Back again

After I graduated, everything became irrelevant. People I talked to everyday in school became ignored messages in my phone.  People I talked shit about in school became people I ran back to after I graduated,  I keep telling people I only have two friends, but in reality I still have quite a few I can count on.  I have one in Toledo, six in Cincinnati, one in Indiana, and one in South Carolina.  They're quite spread out.  Of those, one is still in high school, two are working, and six are in college.  I lost a lot of contact with people that I actually cared about.  But I think most of the people that were in my class are off doing bigger and better things now.  A surprisingly large percentage of people in our class actually went to college this fall.  It caught me off guard because once classes started, it left David and I sitting around bored during school hours and curiously looking for good job offers. Oh I also went to Germany this summer! I totally forgot....wow. Ok I don't forreal feel like writing anymore for today because as soon as I got my diploma my attention span for anything and everything completely depleted.  But I want to continue writing because I think I have a talent for it. So remind me to make separate posts for: post grad shenanigans, why my friends are my friends, Germany travels, and Jungle Jims.  Okay looks like I have topics for the next couple blog entries, so stick around kids.

Last

This is the last day.  It's not the last time walking into this building or anything but it's the last full day. The last time I comment on Sam's shoes as he puts on his newest pair at his locker.  Last time I give Alek a laugh and hug before motivating each other to get through the day.  It's the last time I talk through my first bell with Wolfey.  It's the last time I sneak out of guitar class five minutes early. It's the last time I give Sisi a goofy smile as I walk past her after first bell.  It's the last time I make a snarky remark at Mr. Rogers as I rush into his class seconds before the bell rings.   It's the last time I sign into the library with a fake name.  It's the last time I walk up the music wing after second bell, once with Christina and once with Imani.  It's the last time I piss off the entire art wing from loitering in their all too "exclusive" hallway.  The last time Ray creeps up on me at my locker. It's the last time I share my waffles with Coach Frank.  It's the last time I eat my apples and bananas straight from my locker.  The last time I drag my feet to ap statistics.  The last time I'll scroll through my instagram and tumblr while listening to Hinkle's annoyed voice in the background.  The last time I cheat my way through another math test or quiz.  The last time I'll give Destiny a big hug in the middle of the hallway and remind her that I love her.  The last time I eat lunch with Jaida and share endless "sober" laughs with her.  The last time I sneak into the teacher's lounge to buy David a soda.  The last time Kelsey gets in my face and checks on me.  The last time Faith and Jasmine urge me to go to class instead of skipping after lunch. It's the last time I slide into biology just as the bell rings, with Cody by my side.  The last time I poke Bishop, as I pretend to take notes for class.   It's also the last time I bother Bates and watch his class collapse into chaos during ninth bell.  The last time I dodge Beischel and ignore Curry altogether.  It's the last time I sit in one of Princeton's many empty rooms.  The last time Breaunna and I have a twerk part in 524 while listening to The Weeknd.  The last time I sneakily call people out as bae in the hallways.  And the very last time I drag myself to 10th bell, only to secretly enjoy it with my favorite people. The very last time I'll say I hate this school.  And the very last time I'll say I love this place.  The last time I sit here and debate life and look at the murky walls.  The last time I'm a student here.  I think the teachers and the people here love me.  I think the teachers and the people here hate me.  This place shaped me to become the person I am now.  The person that I'm going to introduce to the rest of the world.  The last time I call Princeton home.  I think I'll miss it.

Homesickness

I don't think most people understand the torturous feeling that can only be described as homesickness.  It's a weird thing, and it hits the hardest and at the most secret times.  It's a  wave of desire, a pulling that makes my heart drag along the rugged bumps of my ribs.  It's a tightening sensation.  For me it comes the most when my family sends me pictures from their hikes and family gatherings.  I look at the pictures and I feel a darkening sensation behind my eyes, they so much desire to see everything in person.  Instead I'm stuck with visions that tease me.  Germany for me will always be home.  I can tell people that I'm unemotionally attached or that I can go wherever I want with my life.  But homesickness hits me at my most vulnerable times.  It hurts, but it's not a normal pain.  It doesn't even feel like my depression.  It's just a feeling that slowly tears my insides apart.  It makes my stomach flip upside down .  It makes my limbs go numb.  It allows the tears to come rolling.  My body opens and tries to reach it's home.  I thought Germany was just where I was born.  But then this hurt comes and I know Bad Dürkheim will always be my home.  And I will feel these waves of sickness until I can run between the vineyards, swim in the depths of the local lake, pick daisies at the small park, ride my bike to the vegetable stand, and hug the familiar figures of my family.  That's homesickness to me and it's a pain that slowly destroys you from within. A tingling sensation that always seems to creep up on me and then swallow me whole.

Almost Done

I am almost done.  Recently I was almost done with everything... everything, I was ready to leave everything behind.  But now, I feel like I am back on track and I realized that I just want to be done with high school.  I was convinced that I would be a bawling mess on the last day of high school and would lose my shit.  But now, I feel more and more numb and I'm ready to walk out of the school. I don't think I'll be sad anymore. I've noticed that I've become emotionally unattached to most things in that school.  And the few people that I do still care about will be with me regardless of whether or not I see them every day at school.  I have about three people in that building that I love and care about and everyone else is unimportant to me.  I used to have some teachers that I loved too, that I was convinced I would share my journey with.  I was so eager to share my journey, but now, now I don't care.  I don't feel that urge to impress people anymore and I feel like it's more tiresome than rewarding to try to explain to people what I want out of my life.  Point is, I have ten more days and three of those days will be consumed by my ap exams.  I am so excited.  And the last two days of school, I won't care about anything anymore.  It's going to be so fun.  And when I walk across that stage on graduation day.... I will look down at my graduating class and I will be so content.  I won't see those people all at once ever again.  I think it will be extremely satisfying and I can't wait.  I'm going to make these last two weeks of high school really count and then I'm finally done! And free to start a new chapter in this life.

Take a chance on this rapper

So I recently became absolutely addicted to Chance the Rapper and his music.  I've been aware of his presence for a while now, but I never paid his music that much attention.  Well that's all changed now because a couple weeks ago my friend told me to listen to Brain Cells and it was love at first listen.  That quickly became my new song that has stayed on repeat ever since I heard it for the first time.  Since then, I've also looked into his other music and I just love his entire mixtapes.  There's something about his music that I just really enjoy.  Most people can agree that with Chance the Rapper, you either love his music or don't mess with it at all.  He has a very defining voice that I personally fell in love with.  I've also watched some of his interviews and I like the simplicity he shows with just living his life and not caring about who has what opinion on him.  He seems like the fun friend that you can just chill with and laugh about things with.  He has a lot of good songs that put you in the mood to just go out and live your life.  He's one of many rappers that have earned my respect.  He manages to balance funny rhymes with relevant lyrics that are meaningful.  Many of his songs make me feel confident in myself and the choices I've been making.  A lot of my recent actions have made me feel really shitty about myself, but whenever I hear Chance's voice it instantly lifts my mood.  Listening into his music has reminded me of life's simple pleasures.  So if any of you are searching for a new artist to listen to, go straight to youtube and start immersing yourself in Acid Rap.

Suicide

It recently came to my attention that some people seriously don't understand suicide and the reason why some people would go to that extreme for anything.  It made me sad because society has become so unaccepting of anything they don't understand or can't relate to.  In a recent conversation, someone told me that suicide is wrong because it's not your life to take.  When they said that, it made my stomach drop and turn.  It disgusted me that religion would ever give someone that mindset.  Of course it's your life to take, after all, you're the one that has to put up with yourself, the one who has to deal with your life and everything inside of it.  Suicide is more real than people think and has been increasing drastically over the last few decades.  Sadly, we've reached a point in society where only a few people treat suicide as a serious issue.  All around us, people seem to be ignorant to mental illnesses such as depression, OCD, autism, or anxiety disorders.  Oftentimes, victims hear "words of advice" telling them to simply be happy again or to stop overreacting.  This is a serious issue because mental illnesses are real and should not be taken lightly.  People suffering from these issues often feel alone, misunderstood, and are even pushed to feel guilty.  For these people, suicide quickly feels like the easiest escape.  I know I've felt it before.  It's a light that goes off when you're sitting alone in the darkest hours.  That tiny spark of an idea quickly spreads into an all too real option.  In fact, suicide takes the lives of around 30,000 Americans each year.  Read these facts and then be cautious next time you're telling someone about how "ridiculous" suicide is.

Many who attempt suicide never seek professional care.

15% of those who are clinically depressed die by suicide.

Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for 15- to 24-year-old Americans. (CDC)

There are an estimated 8 to 25 attempted suicides to 1 completion.

It is estimated that there are at least 4.5 million survivors in this country. (AAS)

An average of one person dies by suicide every 16.2 minutes. (CDC, AAS)

There are four male suicides for every female suicide. (CDC, AAS)

According to the Violent Death Reporting System, in 2004 73% of suicides also tested positive for at least one substance (alcohol, cocaine, heroin or marijuana).

Act like you know

I don't have the energy to talk about any real topics today so I'll give you guys a run down of my week.  So it actually went by pretty quickly.  On monday I went to a yoga class in clifton, which was interesting and gave me a good workout.  Tuesday I was exhausted and chilled with friends in the evening. I skipped school on wednesday to help a friend move out of his apartment.  We also went to Jungle Jims, which is like my favorite store ever in life.  On thursday I had a terrible day at school.  I think the problem was that it felt like monday and I realized just how much I hate being there.  People have just been irritating me a lot lately.  I'm slowly starting to distance myself so that I can just leave when we graduate. After school I met up with Bishop and told him all my problems, which as usual always helps me clear my thoughts.  And then we went to the park with Olive and Toni and we had so much fun just chillin until it got dark outside.  Then Bishop and I always push each other on my skateboard but we almost got run over by a car but it was all good.  Friday went by quickly, I didn't go to many classes and I was so happy when the school day was finally over.  I cleaned my room really thoroughly and then Sean came over.  We then went to his cousin Earl's house.  We crammed six people into one bathroom and then we were seven when we ate and we watched Earl play his video game for the longest.  On saturday I went to the park with Brandon and he got his shoes all wet in the water.  We weren't being very safe and I almost fell off this big tree.  It was funny though until I saw a big ass spider next to my bag.  The weather was just perfect to be outside.  When I got home I skated to Toni's house where we hung out with Elijah and Olive.  And Olive and I walked around the neighborhood.  In the evening Sean and I went on a hiking trail in the back of winton woods.  When the stars came out we laid on a blanket and tried to figure out all the shadows in the woods.  We think the one star may actually have been a satellite. We drove around for the longest time after that, stopped by skyzone, but then decided to go home because we were both tired.  Today I might see Olive, but Sean and I are going to a backyard grill party later, so I still have to make a nice salad to bring there.  As for homework....maybe later.